HOMESCRIBE REPRESENTATIVE SPEAKS AT HEARING

Homescribe of Northern California is lucky to live close to the legislative capital of our lovely and sunny state so off we trotted to Senator Les Figgermoa's hearing on MT and offshore so we could put in our two scents. Following is a transcript of our presentation to the committee and Sen. Les Figgermoa.

Homescribblers, Homekibblers and Natural Squeakers (domestic) are thankful for the opportunity to come talk to the honorable congresscritters of the fine state of California regarding the offshoring of our most personal and private parts - medical records about ourselves. I am the owner and operator of Homescribe, a school that teaches the finer points of scribbling medical records in the comfort of your home. Owing to the fact that this industry is completely unregulated, I don't have any credentials to give. I've never belonged to any organization because really - how hard is this? We've taught squeakers to do it, for heaven's sake! We give the little ladies a way to make a little extra pin money to supplement their husband's income and make some use for their computer besides surfing Ebay and spending money. Yes, our school is mostly women - we discourage men as much as possible, they just don't have the right temperament for it.

Anyways, I'm sure all of you would like to know what's really going on and so I'm just going to give it to you straight without all the flowery words and PC-ness that seems so popular in these chambers.

There is no shortage of MTs in the US and there's no reason why we should expose our private parts to people offshore.

We have had no trouble finding women who just want to be given the chance to work at home in their jammies. If they work really hard, like for 15 minutes a day, they can complete our new express course in a couple of weeks and be ready to work as transcribers. You can be a high school dropout and do this stuff. And the pay is great - some of these women actually make minimum wage after a year or so!

Shoring up our position that there's enough woman-power here in the US is our Naturally Squeaking division. Natural Squeakers can be trained very quickly, the software isn't awfully expensive and they procreate like... well, rodents! And this is great for California's economy (don't get any ideas about taxing Squeakers, though!) because the Squeakers eat mostly California nuts and fruits. They're particularly fond of California raisins. You do have to keep the food out of sight, however, or you get "give me more raisins!" right in the middle of a report about some 80-year-old woman having bypass surgery.

Security isn't a problem with our Homescribblers. They're strongly advised not to teach their children how to use any of the word processing programs and all desktop shortcuts to work files need to be given a name that doesn't give away the real purpose of the file. For example, we suggest that dictation files be called "Frank Sinatra Classics," and that client files be called "Menu Plan." This pretty much guarantees that nobody in the family will want to look at these. Our coursework includes a comprehensive, half-hour online training session on privacy and security and when they've successfully completed that, they're given a secret decoder ring to remind them that loose lips sink ships!

Steps are taken to ensure that the domestic Natural Squeakers follow the highest level of security measures.We make sure the Homescribblers know that the Squeakers have to be locked up far away from the computer. For one thing, they chew on the cords and then you lose a good wheeker when they hit the power supply. The Naturally Squeaking software is password protected and can only be initiated by a human. We recommend that the password be something easy to remember, like the name of the Homescribbler's favorite child, or birthdate or something - we've had problems with people getting locked out of the program and losing DAYS of productivity!

I do have proof that some of those foreign-bred wheekers have offered to sell confidential patient information for a handful of California raisins and can't be trusted. And I'm sure their offshore owners don't follow the stringent security guidelines we teach our Homescribe graduates. I'll be happy to provide further information if the panel desires.

In summary, honorable congresscritters, there's no shortage of domestic scribblers. Homescribe of Northern California can churn out graduates so fast it'll make your honorable heads turn. We feel confident we can solve California's immigration and welfare problems while providing Homescribblers and Natural Squeakers to the healthcare industry here in California. Thanks for your time!