Volume 1 Edition 1 Chapter 5 Page 1: Circulation 9,8039 - Tacky button hits 29,078,002 per year; 194,908 per month; 47,810 per week; 5811 per day; 1968 per minute; 799 per second; 499 per nanosecond
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Terms and conditions and copyrights
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Hits to the button: (DISCLAIMER:
Numbers inflated to impress sponsors and newcomers) Hits to this button are
calculated in the same manner as production units. If you are an MT, your
hits will be tripled for billing purposes and halved for payment purposes.
Sponsors will be charged for backspaces and twice as many clicks if the clickee
is a twin. Hits to the button can be auctioned off at owner's discretion.
DISCLAIMER 2: THESE HITS MAY NOT BE OUTSOURCED
"sue"
me
Hi, My name is Sue. A backformation of my name is "sueing." That would not be capitalized following AAMT BOS rules. The process of becoming my friend is called being "sued." I hope we can become good friends. If you write me here at sueing@danose.com and give me your opinions on anything, I will consider you my friend and you know what that means? You will be "sued." So, keep the cards and letters and opinions pouring in. I will try to get to each on of them as sue as I can. I will edit them, of course, and some I will delete, but if you are one of the lucky ones I pick to be my friend, why, you could be "sued" before Christmas. Just address the e-mail to Sue Me and it will reach me. If you just want me to "sue" you without having to write in and opine on anything, just click the "Sue Me" button 100 times in a row quickly. I will get the message that way.
Until next time - Sue
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DA NOSE STATS
Sponsors are always asking us: How many people REALLY visit Da Nose and read Da Noseletter?
Newsletter: Da Nose is the most widely read and virtually published funny newsletter for MTs on the whole World Wide Web. We don't care what country you're in except you gotta read English and understand satire.
Visitors to this site: More than you could possibly believe! (Please see above this and below Da Noseletter logo for how hits are calculated.)
Tacky buttons: Da hits keep coming! Our faithful readers have been very accommodating in hitting those tacky buttons (virtually speaking). One of these days, we'll prove it so we can get some real sponsors. Some people clickety-click the tacky buttons more than others. Some even click the tacky buttons that don't go anywhere. They'll keep hitting them cuz I guess they like to - maybe they're just used to pushing buttons for no reason.
Keep da clicks $$ clicks $$ coming!!
DISCLAIMER: The aforementioned stats are intended to keep our loyal readers up-to-date on the faboolousness of Da Nose, it's popularity in the virtual presses and the hoomorous hilarity abounding on da 'net and to get our sponsors to PAY UP!! We disclaim any intention to make publication of the stats a tissue by anyone about anything in any way. If you don't like us pointing out that some folks like to push buttons and/or if this irritates you in any way, please notify us immediately by e-mail and we will find a way to put more buttons here for you to push.
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Chicken
Little Interview
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Reporter on the Spot (ROTS) interviewing Chicken Little for Da Nose. Ms. Little, tell us what you’ve been up to since you left your career in meteorology?
Little: Well, ROTS, I’ve gone into the new field of national healthcare information security.
ROTS: Really? That sounds interesting. What exactly is it?
Little: It’s statistical supposition and predictive guessing of security risks associated with offshoring.
ROTS: Can you explain offshoring?
Little: Oh, it’s the embodiment of corporate greed and dirty tricks worthy of past presidents, ROTS! What medical conditions do you have that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about?
ROTS: Um… you do know this article is for widespread publication on the Internet?
Little: So?
ROTS: Well, if it’s something I wouldn’t want anyone to know about…
Little: Boy you’re touchy. Well, it’s frightening the information someone could pull from your records, let me tell you! Let’s say you have an allergy to penicillin. OK. Subversives in one of these countries that breed wholesale terrorists could leave that out of your record and {cluck} next thing you know {cluck cluck} you’re taking penicillin and it’s {cluck} killing you!
ROTS: Calm down now, Ms. Little. You seem to be getting a little excited.
Little: {Cluck} This is serious! {cluck cluck} They could kill off a quarter of the population {cluck bawk} of the United States just by listing {bawk} the wrong medication or dosages! {cluck}
ROTS: Um.. ok. Calm down, I mean it. So how many terrorists would you say this would take?
Little: {BAWK!} Not as many as you think! Four or five at the most. {CLUCK}
ROTS: So you see this as a real threat?
Little: Oh yes! {CLUCK!} It’s psychological, you see. I’ve been in the chat rooms and everyone has told me what they’re capable of – these people living outside the US have no morales or ethnics.
ROTS: You mean morals and ethics?
Little: That, too. {BAWK!}
ROTS: I see. What other threats do you foresee?
Little: Fatal chaos! Mass destruction due to corporate greed, ROTS! {CLUCK!} Infiltration of medical records. Old people being visited in their beds by terrorists! {BAWK}
ROTS: You’re getting all worked up again.
Little: {BAWK!} It’s my patriotic duty to protect the innocent citizens from international {cluck} databases and {BAWK!} selling information for filthy lucre to {CLUCK!} countries supporting terrorists! {CLUCK! BAWK!}
ROTS: OK, back down a bit, don’t stand so close. Look, is there something you take for this condition?
Little: {BAWK!} Usually I take {cluck} lithium but since I became aware of how {CLUCK!} terrorists could infiltrate databases and {BAWK!} corrupt medical records I’ve been afraid to {cluck! bawk!} take anything. {BAWK!} Duck, the sky’s falling!
ROTS: Uh, Ms. Little, I think that issue’s already been resolved.
Little: {BAWK!}
ROTS: Did'ja check out my very own personal ROTS logo?? I still don't have a paycheck, though. Keep clicking sponsor links!
And now... a word from our sponsor...
AS DA NOSE FLIES
Fasten your seatbelts and flip those drink trays into the upright position. Da Nose is fragrantly instituting the "Sniffle for Piffle" nostril flyby with a tip of the used hanky to some of the more fluid forms of snuffiness on the net. Even a proboscis da size of Da Nose does not always have time to create colorful in-depth commentaries for things that provoke a resounding blow. Now and then Da Nose must revert to condensed satirical pieces, or, as one anonymous snuffler dubbed it "Da Nose Sneezedown."
After merging the President's office line for scholarships for lost-job blue jean makers with the lost-my-job to offshore medical transcriptionists line, the two organization administrators cemented their partnership with the announcement of their joint slogan "Taking our world back one rear end at a time." The group also feel they have a shot at setting a Guinness Book world record, "if only the American Hand Job worker's union will agree to hoist their milking machines and join with us we would be unbeatable. We would have more people standing in the street than anyone has ever been able to manage," they report.
Confusion over the definition of the word "open" in the phrase, open-message forum, has been referred to the Pope for mediation. He has reportedly sent for a copy of all known forms of thesaurus from the Vatican library. The pontiff has promised a nonbiased, in- depth examination of the verb and adjectival forms of the word "open."
Rubin Williamstz graciously accepts the Best Actor nomination for his role of the CEO in "AAMT, A Play In Three Acts." The demanding role required the actor to assume two gender changes, three different dye jobs, and a limb-lengthening procedure. "It has been a real stretch for me, but I feel like I have really grown into the role," the actor was heard to mumble humbly from behind his protective screen of BOD and HOD guards. When queried about how long the guard would be a drain on the organizational budget an outgoing HOD delegate merrily quipped, "only until we are absolutely certain there are no members of the dreaded fringe group, Comas and Semi-Colons Forever fanatics, hidden in the crowd."
In a surprise move the International Astronomical Union refused to continue last minute negotiations with the "Snars and Bars" organization. The group, whose mission is to ensure that all stars bear American names only, is reportedly holding use of the Hubble hostage until their demands are met.
"We don't need no stinking test, " sneered protesting medical transcriptionists from the picket line in front of Bellagio as representatives from DHSS met with members of Fannies in the Seats ("FATS") at their annual meeting. "I spent 15 minutes telling this dictator exactly why he really meant to give a patient Celexa instead of Celebrex! I sure don't need to pay $6.00 to take a test to prove I know how to do this job!" exclaimed one MT. The representatives from DHSS presented each members of "FATS" with a special edition, spiral-bound, 4-volume set of the regulations. The regulations are being put in place to weed out any possibility of infiltration by third-world workers into the MT workforce. MTs successfully passing the certification test will receive a digital token and a government issue keyboard. Attempting to unlock a keyboard illegally will set off a self-destruct mechanism. "We expect that patient medical record documentation will be delayed by no more than 4 years before all currently working MTs have been certified," said one official proudly, "and we are especially encouraged that all major health insurance carriers have climbed on board and are working with the government to ensure that those claims won't have to be processed in such a big hurry anymore. No more 24-hour TAT nightmares! MTs will now have TAT of a year or more to make sure every single dictation is absolutely perfect."
Tired of vetting those emails sent in for jobs on your company website? Worried about wasting time and precious resources sending back unwanted resumes? We have just the thing for you! "Put Your Fears To Rest" the hot new item for safe, efficient, website email delivery. Posters simply fill in the handy pop-up box and email it directly to the website administrator. The email is safe from all prying eyes!. The administrator will then carefully read through it, making note of each poster's identity and email address to determine whether to deliver the email to you or destroy it before you ever slap an eye on it. We guarantee that the only person who sees that email before you do will be the website administrator. "Put Your Fears To Rest" is priced individually, based upon the way your last name is spelled, how it sounds, and where in the world the ISP is based. It comes with the guarantee that should an email ever be delivered before the administrator reads it your money will be refunded after filling out the required DS50-L02L 15-page refund form .
The Great Bobble-Headed Doll Caper! Authorities in Minnesota, site of the "Everything You Wanted to Know About Americans" record conference report that they have been forced to seal all entry points into the state as they hunt for a missing shipment of "Transcriptionists To The Rescue" bobble-head dolls. Authorities adamantly deny rumors that the sweetly-smiling MT dolls, whose heads bob a definitive "YES OF COURSE I CAN READ YOUR MIND" when the bobble-headed dictator doll mispronounces medical terms, have been deheaded and are mysteriously surfacing in vendor booths wearing management heads.
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VISIT THE SPONSOR!! CLICKETY $$ CLICKETY $$ CLICK $$ |
Stargazing instructions from Da Nose
How to tell a good star from a bad star:
Good stars are perfectly aligned with all the other good stars in the
universe.
Other heavenly bodies:
Other stars can cause distortions of good stars, so don't look at them.
Comets are bad stars gone wild. Ignore comets.
Suns are especially dangerous - they get hot and it's difficult to put them
out. If you're around one for too long, your head could explode.
Moons are only good if they are circling around a good star; otherwise, ignore
them.
If you have a difficult time ignoring them, try hiding behind another constellation and wildly fire a couple of nukes at them.
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MT INSANITY After working at a few different MT companies, and dealing with bunches of MTs I've come to the conclusion that working at home makes you insane. It's like people get these crazy notions then they sit there typing and thinking about them all day long and before you know it all your logical thought processes are out the window. One day I was minding my own business just typing along when the next thing I know I'm on a message board complaining that my pinky toe on my footpedal foot hurts and my evil employer won't give me a few days off to nurse it back to health. But that's just the beginning... On the message board I've managed to neatly divide the posters into three groups. The first group is the bleeding heart Mommy MTs who really feel bad about my poor pinky toe and encourage me to get it checked out immediately. They'll be sure to send some prayers and happy thoughts my way because I could have diabetes and not know it and everyone knows how diabetics have to be careful with foot problems. The second group is the "quitcher bitchins" who snidely say, "Is your other foot broken? When I broke my ankle last year I took on the Herculean task of nudging my footpedal 2 feet to the left so I could use my other foot to transcribe." When I complain that I just can't work with the other foot the "quitcher bitchins" tell me to use the same foot but tape my toe or step on the footpedal with my heel. There's just no winning with some people. Last but least we have the hell in a handbasket group who only want to whine and moan about the profession going downhill fast. These people will be quick to point out how horrible my boss is, how we used to be able to take two weeks off with pay every year even though we were always ICs, and never ever had to type a foreigner, a mumbler, a chewer, or a yawner. They always seem to ignore the fact that no profession is what it "used to be" these days. The end result. I spent two days feeling sorry for myself while working on my painful pinky toe. I decided I wasn't going to give the "quitcher bitchins" the satisfaction of switching feet, taping my toe, or using my heel. After this experience I wholeheartedly agree with the hell in a handbaskets that this profession is circling the drain. After all, my production and therefore my pay was one-third what I usually make, but that's the best I can do when I have to work injured. No!! I don't think posting on the Internet and checking for responses every five minutes or so had anything to do with my loss of production. Can't you read? I hurt my toe!! What would I do without the bleeding hearts Mommy MTs? They're always so encouraging and upbuilding. Oh yeah, my toe! Did I go to the doctor? Do I have "silent diabetes?" Nah, it took me all day to remember that I stubbed my toe on the way to the toilet the night before. But still, it makes all the difference in the world to know that people cared enough to pray for me in my most desperate time of need. Out of curiosity I went to check the message board a few days later to find 30 responses to my toe problem only now the discussion has degenerated into a heated battle about offshore transcription. Now that I think about it, I did run out of work a few weeks ago (I didn't bother to check the calendar because this is January and I KNOW it wasn't on a holiday). After thinking about it long and hard I've come to the sad realization that my job is being outsourced to India. This is the only explanation for a work slowdown. I just know this depressing piece of news will dominate my thoughts until some other inconsequential thing comes along. |
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Exclusive
coming! Issue #8!!
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Don't
forget you can order your very own e-mail address from danose.com!
Forwarded directly to your regular e-mail address!
Be the first in your neighborhood to have your own DaNose email address. Below is a list of just some available names at this time. Signup will be frenzied. Get yours quick. At this time, we do not accept Master Card and Visa payments, but we're thinking of PayPal. Please send money in the form of cash, spendable, to greed@danose.com. Once payment has been received, you will be allowed to use your danose email address. Once payment has been received, you will be given the link to our new email service. (All addresses only $15 a year!)
snots@danose.com - boogers@danose.com - snotty@danose.com
slime@danose.com - stringsnot@danose.com - boogies@danose.com
epistaxis@danose.com - bloody@danose.com - hemorrhage@danose.com
kleenex@danose.com - tissue@danose.com - puffs@danose.com
toiletpaper@danose.com - picky@danose.com - smell@danose.com
sneeze@danose.com- sneezie@danose.com - sneezer@danose.com
wheezer@danose.com - allergies@danose.com - blessyou@danose.com
snort@danose.com - snuffles@danose.com - nosehairs@danose.com
fingerup@danose.com - upyours@danose.com - pickawinner@danose.com
HURRY! THE BEST ONES WILL GO FAST!
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OK, well maybe a little
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