Volume 1 Edition 1 Chapter 3 Page 1: Circulation 98,810 1/2 Tacky button hits
19,89,902 per year; 149,908 per month; 60,010 per week; 9011 per day; 2178 per
minute; 972 per second; 613 per nanosecond
These stats are moving up!!! FAST!
Hits to the button: (DISCLAIMER: Numbers inflated to impress sponsors and newcomers and newbies) Hits to this button are calculated in the same manner as production units. If you are an MT, your hits will be tripled for billing purposes and halved for payment purposes. Sponsors will be charged for backspaces and twice as many clicks if the clickee is a twin. Cookies now available. Going once, going twice, GONE.
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Brought to you compliments of Homescribble and the soon to be announced Homekibblers -- a division of Homescribe
"If it is walking and breathing we will hire it!"
(Please visit our sponsor multiple times as Da Nose receives a credit for each time that site receives a "hit")
Wish I could take credit for that wonderful interview with the HomeScribe CEO. Glad you did it for me as you can imagine how overwhelmed I have been with new students at HomeScribe! Since we have had such a great turnout for the seminars and have more than enough students signing up, I've had to reorganize our admissions and start testing prospective students prior to enrollment so that we only accept those with a passing score on the admissions test. The test simply determines if they can walk and breath at the same time. The success rate has been incredible! Those who need to schedule for re-testing were referred for some emotional support. They will not be recharged the $79.95 testing fee for repeating the test but only $39.95 re-enrollment test fee.
ANNOUNCING "SLIDE 'N' SCRIBE" CREAM!
Following solicitation on SMT of a product for those using voice recognition called "Deep Throat Cream" I received a number of questions from my students about using a similar product on their hands. It is with great excitement that I announce my new product: A wonder cream called "Slide 'n' Scribe" which is placed lightly on the fingertips, massaged in ever so slightly, so as to leave a nice slippery residue on the finger tips and then go to work on that keyboard. "Slide 'n' Scribe" enables those fingers to S L I D E ever so quickly across those keys. No more pauses or lifting the fingers completely off the key to find the next key, you just slide on over where you wanna go. There is a tiny bit of time required to get used to "Slide 'n' Scribe", but after a few minutes you will D O U B L E your productivity with T W I C E the characters on your screen that you are used to!!! This does wonders for line counts! Most docs don't proof our work anyway, so what are a few extra characters?! "Slide 'n' Scribe" is an ancient Chinese formula, so good that they kept it a total secret centuries! Now that the last developers of this ancient miracle solution have died, I am free to market it here in the US!!! For just $29.95 you can get your very own sample tube of "Slide 'n' Scribe". Please send check, money order (but cash is preferred) to Linda Osborne, CEO, "HomeScribe" at 1234 Teriyaki Terrace, China Town, CA 95408.
STAY TUNED FOR NEW KEYLESS KEYBOARD which, combined with "Slide 'n' Scribe" will quadruple those line counts!!!!!
Ever so affectionately,
Linda O., CEO
HomeScribe/Scribble/Kibble
WHAT'S NEW ON THE BOARD
Finally, finally, starting to see the fruits of our labor. Subscriptions to this newsletter are soaring. We read on the web where sending out e-mail from your site INCREASES YOUR HITS to the your page which then looks good on the sponsors' stats so you can get more money out of them or more sponsors. Well, we just want you to know that in order for us to keep this site free, we are going to advertise that fact. Here is our new rotating banner ad so that we can keep up.. We hope you like it. We had the world's preemo tacky graphics person do this specially for us.
Disclaimer: This is a manually operated rotating button. To use this button, position yourself smack in the middle of your monitor screen. Move your eyes up and down as fast as you can and pretend the banner is rotating. Or use scroll button to the right of you.
Free cookie recipe
Hi Grannynanna, whatcha doin? I'm
baking cookies wanna watch? Oh I love it when you make cookies!! But why are
you making them in your office? Sweety these aren't real cookies. These are
internet cookies. Here hop up in my lap and I'll show you how it's done. Okay.
Still on the newsletter:
Old stale stuff that's been around but what did you expect for the push of a
tacky button, something useful? = Repeat announcement, again.
Karyn Korken Kronicles KK Kronicles
MT POETRY BY AN MT FOR AN MT - TOTALLY MT.
This is a copyright piece of intellectual property used here on this site by permission of the writer. He retains all ownership of this writing.
NEW SERVICE ON THIS FREE SITE
"Feature your nose on "The Weakly Noseletter" for 27 hours. The cost is $100.00 per hour for 27 hours in da noselight. Sign-up is on a first-come, first-sneeze basis. By submitting your nose and payment (certified bank check only), you are signed up for the next available date for "da nose of da day". You will be e-mailed regarding what day your nose will be featured. To sign-up, send da certified bank check directly to DaNose Financier.
ANOTHER NEW SERVICE
You MUST be a subscriber to view da nose dat goes with dis resume
Anytown, USA
Email: Yes
Area Code: (296)
Objective: To do MT work from home
so I don't have to pay a babysitter
Experience: Alot!
Full or Part time: Available anytime except for weekdays between 1:00 and 4:00
pm when my soaps are on. Oh, and I can't work weekends or holidays because that
is my family time.
Type of Transcription: Any types of trancription.
Specialty: Medical Transription. Chef at McDonalds.
General Qualifications: I can really type good and I've been to a lot of doctors
offices. My mother was a receptionist once in a doctors office. My father has
been to the doctors a few times, and I take my kids to the doctors. I can understand
them when they talk in the office and I've observed the office people. I just
know I could do this job! Oh, and I also took two years of typing and a year
of "health ed" in high school, and I go to the pharmacey alot.
#2
Resume
Hazel Hausfrau
2368 Happy Family Drive
Homesville, IL 60630
Email: Mommy4Ever@webtv.net
OBJECTIVE: I know there is tons of money to be made out there doing medical
transcribing, and I want to earn some of it on Tuesdays between my Ladies' Coffee
Klatsch meetings at 10 am and when my middle child gets out of kindergarten
at noon.
EDUCATION:
Community High School, Homesville,
IL, 1982 - 1988
Graduated by the skin of my teeth.
State U, College City, IL, 1988
- 1989
Graduated, MRS degree.
NBC Television, 1970 - 1999
Emergency!
Marcus Welby, M.D.
Dr. Quimby
ER
General Hospital
Dr. Kildare reruns
Homesville Community Hospital, 1990
- 1999
In-hospital deliveries of six children.
Children seen in emergency room and admitted to the hospital several times for
various injuries, accidents, and illnesses.
WORK EXPERIENCE:
Oikologist, 1990 - 1999
Kept six brats^C^C^C^C^Cchildren out of jail and away from Child Protective
Services.
Home Health Care Aide, 1990 - 1999
Took care of children when ill, applied Band-Aids when injured.
REFERENCES:
Homesville Community Crisis Line: Well known to volunteer phone staff there
McDonald's of Homesville: Regular customer
Mary Bush: Kindergarten teacher to first three children
(sending money will keep this newsletter free and growing)
And this new website we would like to be pleased to announce.
E-DaNOSE
The exclusive source for WWW pooper scoopers; thigh-high black rubber boots for wading through those mucky spots; gaaroonntteed 3-D glasses that will protect those delicate MT eyes from the subliminal hidden messages imbedded in the HTML coding of posted messages with flashing banner ads that absolutely no poster actually added to their post; ear thingamabobbies that will automatically transfer the voice in your ear to your computer screen; and, last but not least, the only known source for E-Depends for.....well, you know what those are for!
NOTE: In order to bid on these essential, must-have items, you must register at NOSE-CROW-The only sanctioned, totally insecure system approved by MT Cash Watchers Association for online E-DaNOSE purchases. After clicking on the totally tacky button for Registration you will be guided step-by-step through the required process for setting up an escrow account for pain-free deposit each week of your entire paycheck. Thus ensuring the large amount of credit necessary for things like Nose and Resume displays, as well as registering those cookies that are necessary so that Da Nose can resell those all-important addresses in order to ensure a moderate income for the site. You will then be entitled to button-clicking rights, full page viewing of all items on offer for bid. For a mere $2.00 more you can opt for Full Disclosure of all personal information, including Social Security number of first born child! This will allow first bidding rights on MTs who have chosen to leave the prestigious firm of MTBurger! These are unique individuals (DaNose admits there is a limited supply of this commodity, first come, first served, and no money-back guarantee!) - those who realize that it is their mission in life to give FREELY of their training and hard won expertise to encourage and train those MTs who have no desire to buy references or to take classes in such mundane things as medical language or anatomy and physiology! Da Nose has carefully screened each of these MTs up for bid and solemnly assures interested biddees that not a single one of these MTs has a problem with selling an MT student's old tests so that a potential buyer can bone up on them and thus win that coveted possession - an actual job with no qualifications whatsoever! This is prime MT merchandise up for bid - each willing to load the potential biddee's computer with copies of software programs in their possession. No worries about the Copyright police at all - these Mts have been carefully vetted to ensure that each and every piece of software supplied is totally pirated.
Sign up today! There are only a limited amount of bidders allowed at one time due to the extreme cheapness of the site involved.
And this new improved reading article:
How I Became a Transcriber in 3 easy
payments of $399.00 each
How I Became a Transcriber in 3 easy payments of $399.00 each
I was waiting in the waiting room of the my obstetrition, you know, because I had an appointment becuase I was 6 months pregnent again with my third baby. My husband says I should go out and get a job now as this is going to be the last baby we have. He says I'm ready.
Well, it was surely fruitious when I picked up that magazine and saw the ad that changed my life. Make 25,000 at home. Become a transcriber. All I had to do was write in the tiny spaces my name and address and phone number and they would be in contact with me. I was so excited about this. I am not sure what a transcriber is, but I knew I could be one. The ad said so. And I could make more moeny that I have ever seen before. I adviced my husband that I was going to become a transcriber too. I told him about all the money I was going to make doing this transcriber work at home. I could make all this money and be home to have my baby and take care of all the kids while being a transcriber. The ad said that I would be typoing medical reports. Heck, I can do that, because any one can type. And maybe I will be lucky enough to get to type one of my neighbors. Oh boy, and I can tell everyone.
I waited angtiously for the call. Instead, they sent papers and pictures in the mail. What it turned out to be was I had two plans I could choose. I could take the deluxe coarse for six easy payments of $399 each and when I finished the materiels, I would get a certificate. The other plan was the budget plan. I could still be a transcriber but if I choose this plan I didn't get the certificate. It was half the price of the other one so I took it because it was cheeper. I sighed on with the cheep and quick course and waited for all my books. I figured that after I got to be a transcriber that there were probably places that I could go to be a certified medical transcriber.
About a week later I got a box. I was so excited. I was going to be a transcriber. I unpacked the treasures. I had a black thingie with knobs on it and an electric cord. They sent me a folder with 24 what looked like these medical reports, and they sent me one big book with pitchers in it of people standing around tables and beds and desks smiling at each other. Oh boy, they looked so happy. I just knew that this was the right choice for me. There were a pile of little copied books like they was run off on a machine and folded and stabled in the middle. They was full of words. Oh man. My future was here, spread out all over my floor. One textbook with pitchers, 24 reports, a black thingie with electric cord and all these books. When I counted up how many pages the books had in them altogether, it was over 100. I sure did get a lot for my money. I probably have more here than I need to make me a transcriber.
There was a set of instructions that I was to follow these instructions. Since I had signed up for the basic course there was no testing required and there was no sending anything into the office to be graded. I was just to study hard, and do the exercises in the book, and then type the reports that were in the folder just like they were, and I could be done with the course by the time my new baby came and I would be a transcriber and ready for working at home with my children. Oh, won't my husband be so proud of me.
I studyied hard. It was hard work. I looked at the pictures, I read the book and I used the little copied books as backup when I needed to. I borrowed my mother's typewriter and typed those 20 reports over and over and over until I could do each one perfectly. I did so well with my studies I never had to look up a word or open a book. The time flew by so quickly and before you know it, I typed the last character in the 24th report for the last 20th time, I looked at the last pitcher in the pitcher book, the one with all the happy transcribers standing around the desks smiling. That was the day I was done with my studies. I never did figure out what to do with the black thingie that had the electric cord attached. I just figured it was probably the answering machine for the phone in my new office. There was a paragraph in the picture book that said I can open my own business now that I am a medical transcriber. That was really nice of them to supply me with an answering machine. That way, when I am busy working I don't have to answer the phone. I am just imaging now about my first job as a transcriber. I will probably be starting work next week for a large presteeous hospital or doctor office. I sent out 12 fliers and I am going to type up my CV this weekend.
My husband decided that since I was going to a transcriber making all this money, he could afford to go out and buy him a computer. He said I could use it for my work to. He got on the website and posted that his wife was a transcriber, just out of transcriber school, and she was getting ready to open her own transcribing firm. He was getting on the Internet WWW highway just to ask, on my behalf of course, where I got to go to get that certification to be a transcriber, and if anyone out there in cyberland had any tips to give away to him free for helping learn how to run a business and be a better transcriber. Why, people in the transcribing business are so friendly. It wasn't seconds, I bet, that he got an answer to his post. All it says was Email me (nm). I feel it in my bones. This is going to be the start of something out of this world. I am so happy I decided to be come a transcriber. I will write more after I open my business next week.
What matters who wrote this one either?
Breaking news stories hot off the poofpress.
It is now known that you can become a travel agent, buy a cloned web page, and sell MT courses and make $119 profit just by being a travel agent. (You could probably buy them back later and then auction them off and make money again.) (Wonder if that is to the lowest bidder? )
Advise and help columns are opening up everywhere. We decided to have own. Just click on the pretty picture.
Searching for a little something to send to the "dictator" who is simply not getting the message that some incredibly "bad dictation habits" need to be changed? Never fear, Da Nose has just "da" thing:
Fossilized Dino Dung -- a bargain at $15 a pound Dino Dung
For the recalcitrant dictator the Screaming Voodoo Doll Dictator Payback
The above was a repeat announcement.
Look folks, we don't take complaints about the easy readibility of this publication. If you want easy, send money so I can keep this noseletter free; however we do take words of encouragement. See next:
For netscape users we added blink feature to above.
COMING SOON TO A BOARD NEAR YOU!!!
(as soon as we line up da sponsors and make more tacky buttons)
Hemorrhoid board, for what itches
us. This board is sure to get inflamed
The Great Pretender board, for those that must.
Zit Pit, where the pus of life pops out at you
The Fly Me board, for those that want to become travel agents
Bloated board, when you are feeling all puffed up about yourself
Toefungus board, for cooking healthy
The Whiners board, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
The "cramps" board, for when you are just out of sorts. Guys welcome
The Beer board, for when you are just foaming at the mouth
The Banner Ad board, if you don't have enough of them.
Another Banner Ad board, just because it seems you can never have enough
Another Banner Ad board, just because it seems you can never have enough
Another Banner Ad board, just because it seems you can never have enough
The Puke board, for when seeing yet another "banner ad" makes you want to throw
up
The Docking Board, for when your ship arrives.
The Investment board, for invigoration.
The Miracle board, for performing the miracles of health care typing
The Typing board, for those that can
The Sponsor board, so that we can keep this site free.
The JockStrap board, for when you need a little lift
Or as an alternative, email me.
BTW, the first real MT who does health care miracle typing on Thursday night using a computer who has sighted their ship coming in if you email me with word perfect you can have this newletter free.
Thank you for "supporting" this noseletter.
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Oh, yeah, almost forgot. We accept stories, any stories, original ones though, write them yourself even, give to me, and I will use here on my board and maybe we can attract more sponsors and then have excuse to have more tacky buttons! Yeah!!!
Disclaimer: This newsletter is the original design of its creator and any resemblance to any other industry or other newsletter, hard print or cyberprint, or unreasonable faxsimily thereof, or any other person, place, thing, living or dead, on this planet, any other planet, on ship, space or water, or in lala land, is strictly in the imagination of the reader. This is cyberspoof based on the word "satire" found in the dictionary.